Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
