soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
