I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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