We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
