Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
