So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
my god I love twenty year old dicks
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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