How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
