just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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