the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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