Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
