I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
