I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
