Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
