I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
