The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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