Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
