i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my shit smells like andre
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
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