Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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