Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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