I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
