dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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