Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
