I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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