Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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