awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
