Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
