Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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