I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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