we have pet lesbian snakes
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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