just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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