Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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