your parents love me but you hate me
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
