tonight lets celebrate not being married
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
