She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
