Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
