im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
