I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
