so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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