A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
