Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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