i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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