Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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