did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
