True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
