So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just cropdusted the office
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
