just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
