Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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