billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
