I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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