Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
