Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
