swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize