I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
