And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
