can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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