I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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