Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
