I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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