She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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