Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
