I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
