someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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