i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
