I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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