soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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