he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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